I think stress is getting to me...I really don't know
Posted: Thu Jul 19, 2007 5:01 am
I'm confused about everything around me right now.
Saying something about Avril or singing her fucking song is making me angrier than normal.
My friend not being able to see me is making me want to go down to her dad's and hurt him a lot more than normal.
My mom still worries about me because one day in 5th grade I got bored and with a mechanical pencil I left a scar that said "Sum 41" in my arm. It's disappeared now because I've tanned out a bit more. But I've told her I was just bored.....nothing was wrong....and I think she still worries when I have a cut somewhere. Because I cut my face and had a red mark on my cheek and my arm and she kept asking about it and I told her I don't know how I got it.
Even though I did...and once again it was because I was bored.
And I'm never doing that again.
I mainly did it because I wanted someone to notice me.
To care.
But by the time I saw him.
The cut just turned into a red mark.
My friends are really ticking me off.
Mainly this chick Meagan.
She's hanging out with an ex-friend of mine
and now she's acting like a total bitch.
I could tell in her voice she wasn't really that sorry that she didn't come to my party.
I told her I was mad and upset and she sang girlfriend.
So I hung up on her.
A lot of stuff has happened.
I'm having sleeping-issues and bad dreams. I sometimes end up not being able to sleep until early in the morning and then sleep until late day.
Or I'll only sleep for a short amount of hours.
I'm having problems with playing my guitar. I usually haven't been practicing my guitar because I'll forget about it...last guitar lessons my vision kept blurring up when I tried reading the notes.
Which I've written a cheat sheet to because I can't remember everything.
I barely remember what an F is. I usualyl have to look up the notes.
I know the strings. Like what the E and the G are and stuff like that. But frets and those types of notes just don't stick in my mind.
I also have this guy.
Who's uber protective of me.
And hates that other guys like me....
That I like other guys.
He really hates that I like the bus boy.
And I think he hates when guys check me out.
I went out with him twice
I told him I don't like doing that stuff, but he doesn't stop and he keeps trying to get me again, saying this time it'll last longer.
He's sweet and all, but all he does is play video games.
I don't really like him more than a friend.
I just don't.
Plus he's turning seventeen this year.
And he keeps saying I'm attractive for a thirteen year old.
I want him to stop, but I just don't have the guts to tell him.
Plus he makes me feel good about myself when he says I'm attractive.
I don't think I am.
I have really low self confidence when it comes to looks.
I think I'm fat, ugly, and have a big nose.
Meagan also tells me I have a big nose.
They call me the female version of Deryck Whibley.
I don't mind that part, but she's being a real bitch.
The only way I feel good about myself is when people tell me I'm pretty. But I don't rely on it. It just makes me feel happy when people say that. Like maybe I actually am.
My friend, who a lot of people hate and says she's ugly and smells....thinks she's hotter than me and tells people she is.
I don't really know if she is, because I don't compare girls. I mean I'll agree some girls have way better looks, but I don't compare myself to my friends.
But a lot of people tell me I'm better and more respectful and shit.
Even some say that I'm skinnier than her but I know that's a lie.
She weighs atleast twenty pounds less than me.
But I really don't know what to do anymore.
I've been stressed, tired, annoyed, and very blank lately.
One night I kept seeing things. Like I would see a guy in the road for just a quick second. Or some guy jumping...I don't know why things are happening.
Well whats happening. The only days I've been looking forward to this week is Friday so I can see Justin.
But when I'm happy I tend to forget everything.
It just slips out of my mind.
But when I'm depressed it sinks in...really bad sometimes.
Sorry it's so long.
Saying something about Avril or singing her fucking song is making me angrier than normal.
My friend not being able to see me is making me want to go down to her dad's and hurt him a lot more than normal.
My mom still worries about me because one day in 5th grade I got bored and with a mechanical pencil I left a scar that said "Sum 41" in my arm. It's disappeared now because I've tanned out a bit more. But I've told her I was just bored.....nothing was wrong....and I think she still worries when I have a cut somewhere. Because I cut my face and had a red mark on my cheek and my arm and she kept asking about it and I told her I don't know how I got it.
Even though I did...and once again it was because I was bored.
And I'm never doing that again.
I mainly did it because I wanted someone to notice me.
To care.
But by the time I saw him.
The cut just turned into a red mark.
My friends are really ticking me off.
Mainly this chick Meagan.
She's hanging out with an ex-friend of mine
and now she's acting like a total bitch.
I could tell in her voice she wasn't really that sorry that she didn't come to my party.
I told her I was mad and upset and she sang girlfriend.
So I hung up on her.
A lot of stuff has happened.
I'm having sleeping-issues and bad dreams. I sometimes end up not being able to sleep until early in the morning and then sleep until late day.
Or I'll only sleep for a short amount of hours.
I'm having problems with playing my guitar. I usually haven't been practicing my guitar because I'll forget about it...last guitar lessons my vision kept blurring up when I tried reading the notes.
Which I've written a cheat sheet to because I can't remember everything.
I barely remember what an F is. I usualyl have to look up the notes.
I know the strings. Like what the E and the G are and stuff like that. But frets and those types of notes just don't stick in my mind.
I also have this guy.
Who's uber protective of me.
And hates that other guys like me....
That I like other guys.
He really hates that I like the bus boy.
And I think he hates when guys check me out.
I went out with him twice
I told him I don't like doing that stuff, but he doesn't stop and he keeps trying to get me again, saying this time it'll last longer.
He's sweet and all, but all he does is play video games.
I don't really like him more than a friend.
I just don't.
Plus he's turning seventeen this year.
And he keeps saying I'm attractive for a thirteen year old.
I want him to stop, but I just don't have the guts to tell him.
Plus he makes me feel good about myself when he says I'm attractive.
I don't think I am.
I have really low self confidence when it comes to looks.
I think I'm fat, ugly, and have a big nose.
Meagan also tells me I have a big nose.
They call me the female version of Deryck Whibley.
I don't mind that part, but she's being a real bitch.
The only way I feel good about myself is when people tell me I'm pretty. But I don't rely on it. It just makes me feel happy when people say that. Like maybe I actually am.
My friend, who a lot of people hate and says she's ugly and smells....thinks she's hotter than me and tells people she is.
I don't really know if she is, because I don't compare girls. I mean I'll agree some girls have way better looks, but I don't compare myself to my friends.
But a lot of people tell me I'm better and more respectful and shit.
Even some say that I'm skinnier than her but I know that's a lie.
She weighs atleast twenty pounds less than me.
But I really don't know what to do anymore.
I've been stressed, tired, annoyed, and very blank lately.
One night I kept seeing things. Like I would see a guy in the road for just a quick second. Or some guy jumping...I don't know why things are happening.
Well whats happening. The only days I've been looking forward to this week is Friday so I can see Justin.
But when I'm happy I tend to forget everything.
It just slips out of my mind.
But when I'm depressed it sinks in...really bad sometimes.
Sorry it's so long.