Lyrics/Poems Feedback

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pakiraider
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Lyrics/Poems Feedback

Post by pakiraider »

I just spammed us with a few of the many lyrics/poems i've written (just started writing recently cuz of a heartbreak) i would really really appreciate any feedback! thank you so much in advance.

She Says
Spoiler: show
She’s sitting all alone
Breathing so slowly
Hiding those tears, she doesn’t want to show me
I go closer but she says she doesn’t know me

I say what’s wrong?
Don’t you remember those laughs we shared?
Trickle in those tears,
Where’d all those memories go from the past years?

A burst of anger
Red alert she’s screaming danger, danger
Help me from this stranger
Screaming somebody come save her

She doesn’t understand
Those moments spent hand in hand
But she’s breaking into a rant

She says, she says, she says
You’re just a voice inside my head
Just want you to leave instead
Don’t stay you’re just a shadow of regrets

She says, she says, she says
You’re just a voice inside my head
Just leave or drop dead
I was stupid and dumb and mislead

I’m always crashing late
But by two AM she’s long gone
And I’m standing by the door yelling wait
Holding back my own tears trying to stay strong

Didn’t know where I went wrong
Didn’t think she’d pack her bags and she’d be gone
Didn’t think I’d be wrong for her
Didn’t think this is how it would end
Didn’t think this when it all began

Now I say, I say, I say
I’m a voice inside her head
Should have changed
Instead of becoming a shadow of regrets




Another one slipped right through my hands
Thinking to myself how it’s all planned
What drove her away, all the things she couldn’t stand
All those times I drove her to rant

She says, she says, she says
You’re just a voice inside my head
Just want you to leave instead
Don’t stay you’re just a shadow of regrets

She says, she says, she says
You’re just a voice inside my head
Just leave or drop dead
I was stupid and dumb and mislead

Live in regrets
Learn to forgive and forget
Life’s no fairy tale
No second chances
She’s set her course ready to sail
Not going back to where she failed
She’s gone, she’s gone, she’s gone
Proving that I was wrong, wrong, wrong
Over and over again
What Rhymes With Witch
Spoiler: show
Go ahead as you cross that thin line
Walk over the bridge that’s growing thinner with each and every lie
And you think you can get away with everything
With that pompous smirk across your face

All you ever did was take, take, take
Never a second thought
Built a trust that was fake
Didn’t ever think you’d be caught

I can see the true colors
From the lies she said
Played me for a fool
And made me turn red
With shame, fuck you, you’re cruel

And you think you can get away
But we all know it now
You’re what rhymes with witch
Stab me in the back
And toss me in an empty ditch
Leave me dying there you’re a bitch

And the thread has worn thin
Think it’s time to go our separate ways
From the voice of reason
In the back of my head
Telling me to tell you
I hope you crash and you fucking die

I see it now
It’s clear as the empty blue skies
You can’t run now
You can’t hide
Cause I’ll find you

And it won’t be pretty
Even with a pretty face
And an arrogant smile
I see you for what you really are

And you think you can get away
But we all know it now
You’re what rhymes with witch
Stab me in the back
And toss me in an empty ditch
Leave me dying there you’re a bitch

Retribution is sweet they say
Didn’t think so till today
I’m going all the way
You’re not bringing me down

Burning bridges is what you do
Ever think was it worth it for you?
Didn’t think so
And I hope you crash and die
Cause we aren’t cool anymore

You fucked me over way too bad
Didn’t think I’d catch on
Better late than never
I’m going to take you down
So that you can’t ever cast
The evil spells and fake that innocent charm

So take it for what it’s worth
What you did really hurt
Time to move on
This time tomorrow
I swear to God you’ll be long gone

And you think you can get away
But I all know it now
You’re what rhymes with witch
Stab me in the back
And toss me in an empty ditch
Leave me dying there you’re a bitch

And you think you can get away
But we all know it now
You’re what rhymes with witch
Stab me in the back
And toss me in an empty ditch
Leave me dying there you’re a bitch

Don’t bother reconciling
Cause this won’t be working
Lied to my face
Stabbed my back
Left me alone on the wrong track
Let my train go and head on crash




I hope that you understand this is the last time
You’ll be putting me through hell
Please understand it wasn’t me it was you who did this
I won’t be missing you I’m moving on

Cause you’re always gonna be
What rhymes with witch
Ohohohohoho what rhymes with witch
Yeah, yeah what rhymes with witch
What rhymes with witch
Stab me in the back (in the back in an empty ditch)
And toss me in an empty ditch
Leave me dying there you’re a bitch

You’re just another bitch
Just another bitch
Yeah just another
Just another, Just another
Bitch
Hindsight
Spoiler: show
Take a look inside
It reflects in your heart
Find it soon before we grow apart
An we’re on a train
Traveling in opposite directions
Wondering what could have been
If we ever gave it a shot

W hat could have been
Is always the question
That goes through our minds
When we reflect in the memories
That made our lives and who we are today

It’s never been the same since we got lost
You went left; I went right
On a pitchfork road in the middle of the night
And the feeling was never right 20/20 in hindsight

The mistakes we made never owned up to
The sins we committed never atoned for
A share of tastes gone sour
Loved today but it wasn’t ours

Take a look inside
It reflects in your heart
Find it soon before we grow apart
An we’re on a train
Traveling in opposite directions
Wondering what could have been
If we ever gave it a shot

It’s never been the same since we got lost
You went left; I went right
On a pitchfork road in the middle of the night
And the feeling was never right 20/20 in hindsight

Would you look past all the mistakes?
Would you see past the heart breaks?
Would you give it another shot before it’s too late?
Would he hold you through all the pain all through the night?
Would you have what we had?
Give it another chance,
Make up your mind
Cancer
Spoiler: show
It’s tearing me apart
When I see you stuck to all those machines
Slowly gasping for every breath
Inching closer to death

It’s killing me
When I see you growing paler everyday
Struggle to get to the next day
Growing weaker by the hour

It’s killing me
It’s tearing out my heart
Nonstop pain, the tears just don’t stop
I won’t understand why it had to be you

I wish I could find the cure
The nights I drank away
Trying to implore the options
To find the answer to take it all the way

I won’t stop believing
Forever I’ll stay waiting
Just tell me you won’t stop trying
I’ll do all that I can to keep you fighting
Thick and thin I’ll be there for you

I just can’t stand and watch
Not being able to find the answer
As the cancer keeps eating you away
I wish there was something I could do

It’s killing me
It’s tearing out my heart
Nonstop pain, the tears just don’t stop
I won’t understand why it had to be you

I wish I could find the cure
The nights I drank away
Trying to implore the options
To find the answer to take it all the way

Your voice barely a whisper
And it really killing me now
To see you like this
Cause I remember the better times



The sunshine smile you brought
That would brighten up my every day
I don’t know how long it’s going to be here to stay

I just want to find the answer
For this cancer
That runs through your veins
Causes us unbearable pain

Pain that no one should through
That takes away the skies blue
Turns it gray with no explanation
Eats life into an endless depression

I just can’t stand and watch
Not being able to find the answer
As the cancer keeps eating you away
I wish there was something I could do

It’s killing me
It’s tearing out my heart
Nonstop pain, the tears just don’t stop
I won’t understand why it had to be you

I’ll do whatever I can to save you
Just keep fighting through
Better days lie ahead I promise you
The skies will turn blue
Soon enough it’ll all get better
And we can keep living together


Dedicated to anyone who has or is going through any illness, better times lie ahead. Stay Strong keep praying God’s always going to be there for you I promise you. Be thankful for every second, every breath we take and cherish those who have been there for you. You just never know if you’re going to be there tomorrow. Through the thick and thin, be there for one another and love till there’s no more love to give.
Mr. Right
Spoiler: show
There’s a coffee shop on the corner of 5th and Madison
I see her sitting there every Thursday morning
Reading a book about compatible signs
I’ve got about a million things running through my mind

I grab my cup of coffee make my way through the crowd
I try making my voice heard above the crowd’s
I ask her if she’s expecting any friends
She shyly nods no, points to the seat at the end of the table

She’s staring out into space like a hopeless romantic
Daydreaming of meeting Mr. Right
But she doesn’t believe in love at first sight

My knees are starting to shake
My body’s feeling weak
And I can’t take this feeling anymore
I think it’s time to come clean
I’ll try to show you what’s in store for us
Cause there’s no cure for this disease
And you’re my drug
And the feeling spreads through my heart
So just take my hand, let’s go and give this a shot

Don’t think about what people say
They aren’t going to be your ray of sunshine
When the skies turn gray and the rain starts pouring
I’ll hold you tight and make you mine

There’s nothing to lose
So don’t act so confused
You aren’t the only one afraid
That’s just how it goes
That’s how these feelings are made
Baby you should know

So stop staring out into space like a hopeless romantic
Daydreaming of meeting Mr. Right
And give it a shot and start believing in love at first sight

My knees are starting to shake
My body’s feeling weak
And I can’t take this feeling anymore
I think it’s time to come clean
I’ll try to show you what’s in store for us
Cause there’s no cure for this disease
And you’re my drug
And the feeling spreads through my heart
So just take my hand, let’s go and give this a shot

Take a chance
Be spontaneous
Lose the book about compatible signs
Take my hand and I swear you’ll be fine
All I want to do is make you mine
So let’s leave the coffee shop and make the best of this time
Detonator
Spoiler: show
Detonate my heart
Blow it to pieces
Come on!
Na (na na na na na!)
Bring all that you got
Got my heart locked and loaded
So come on come on
Give it your best shot
with a smile to kill
I know you're playing for real
So you try all you want
To blow it to pieces
Can't get to my heart
I’m locked and loaded
Your bullets can't make it
Your perfection is deceptive
So you try to manipulate
You try to hard
Baby leave it to fate
You got your army; i got mine
Ain’t goin down on the battlefield of lonely faces
So you can try all you want to blow it to pieces
Can't get to my heart
Won't let you keep it
Your bullets aren't gonna make it
Detonate my heart
Blow it to pieces
Na (na na na na!)
Come on!
Untitled
Spoiler: show
It’s never easy to work it out
Cause ever night all we do is shout
I’ve made my mistakes
But the I love you’s were never fake

Yeah it’s broken beyond repair
And it’s like we don’t care
Yeah love’s never fair

I’m sick and tired of fighting
Cause I can see the look in your eye
It’s that look that brings tears to mine
There isn’t anyone like you

Cause you’re the North Star
And you always guide me home when I’m afar
So come on now, don’t break my heart

I said all the words I needed to say
Played all the cards I needed to play
So I tried pretending that today was yesterday
Cause you put your hands in your jacket and walked away

Saying sorry isn’t enough
Moving on is always rough
And I’m sitting alone at the bar

I’m a wreck now that you’re gone
An you don’t respond to my texts
50 unread, and I lie awake in bed

I said all the words I needed to say
Played all the cards I needed to play
So I tried pretending that today was yesterday
Cause you put your hands in your jacket and walked away


Just pick up the phone
You don’t have to talk
Cause your breathing is enough

And I’ll say all the words I need to say
Play all the cards I need to play
I’ll pretend that today is yesterday
Cause you put your hands in your jacket and walked away

It isn’t broken beyond repair
So answer your phone
Text me back soon
Let’s give it another chance
I’ll show you that I can be your man

I can’t take back the pain I caused you
The scars you hid skin deep
Truth is I’d give it all up for you

For another chance with you
For another chance with you
For another chance with you

So give me another chance
Cause people can change
And it’s not hard to believe

Answer the 50 unread
Message me back
I hate not walking up next to you in bed

Cause you’re the North Star
And you always guide me home when I’m afar
So come on now, don’t break my heart

Cause you’re the North Star
And you always guide me home when I’m afar
So come on now, don’t break my heart

And if you don’t give me another chance
I don’t know what I would do
Cause I deserve the pain I put you through
And you’ll always be the one that go away
But I’ll love you till my heart stops beating
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Nic
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Re: I just posted a bunch of lyrics/poems id appreciate feed

Post by Nic »

I'm not trying to be a dick, but there was no need to make a new topic for each of your poems. I deleted all of those topics, and moved the poems into this one.

Welcome to TNS!
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pakiraider
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Re: I just posted a bunch of lyrics/poems id appreciate feed

Post by pakiraider »

Nic wrote:I'm not trying to be a dick, but there was no need to make a new topic for each of your poems. I deleted all of those topics, and moved the poems into this one.

Welcome to TNS!
LOL, I'm sorry, my fault. Thank You so much! If people can give feedback I'd appreciate it loads!
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Nic
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Re: I just posted a bunch of lyrics/poems id appreciate feed

Post by Nic »

pakiraider wrote:
Nic wrote:I'm not trying to be a dick, but there was no need to make a new topic for each of your poems. I deleted all of those topics, and moved the poems into this one.

Welcome to TNS!
LOL, I'm sorry, my fault. Thank You so much! If people can give feedback I'd appreciate it loads!
No problem. You seem to put a lot of time into your work.
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pakiraider
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Re: Lyrics/Poems Feedback

Post by pakiraider »

lol yes i do but it's all based on experiences and feelings through life. all of it's written in 5-10 minutes. these aren't the deep stuff i've written http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Absolu ... 0133112136
some of the stuff is there. sigh i don't think i'll ever be a great write but it's a fun hobby. i'm zain by the way. nice to meet you nic lol
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lisaNL
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Re: Lyrics/Poems Feedback

Post by lisaNL »

Some of those lyrics are really good. :) good job
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FuckT41182
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Re: Lyrics/Poems Feedback

Post by FuckT41182 »

you got a talent that's for sure,but I don't like lyrics about breaking up,it's so full of complaining ...no second chances,that's right ! XD
This is Mark Allen Hoppus. He likes long walks on the beach. This, this is travis barker. He likes to be read poetry just before sunset. And me, I like to stick small pieces of furniture up my butt.
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Tom:Yea than he starts touching me and i think thats masturbation
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Re: Lyrics/Poems Feedback

Post by UltraKolby »

Wow! You put a hell lot of work into these song and there all pretty good
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pakiraider
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Re: Lyrics/Poems Feedback

Post by pakiraider »

thank you guys, it brings a cheesy smile to my face lol :glad:
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