i don't know how to feel

If you have emotional troubles and they are really getting to you, get it off of your chest and post it here.
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upperclasszero
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i don't know how to feel

Post by upperclasszero »

I'm a senior in high school, and I'm scared to grow up. It's now midway through October, so I've got to start working on my college applications, which just depresses me. When I was younger, I always wanted to move far away for college. I wanted to start my life fresh, make new friends, experience new things, and live life to its fullest. I live in central New Jersey, and as of now, every single college I'm applying to is within an hour an a half of my house.

The main thing keeping me here is my girlfriend. We've been dating since my freshman year, and I love her a lot. She's two years my senior, so she has her own place and goes to school around here. She wants me to move in with her after I graduate this year, and that's probably what I'm going to do. All her friends are in their mid to late twenties, like adults. It's weird hanging out with them, and I'm not like them at all. I don't value the same things they do, cause I'm a kid. She needs me to be an adult about everything, and I'm just not. I've grown up in a sheltered, suburban lifestyle, and do not feel like I'm an adult, or am going to become one anytime soon. When we first met, she was a lot more like me. She was totally into music, the reason we bonded was because we both loved Taking Back Sunday. The only thing I talk or think about is music. As soon as I get home from doing whatever, the first thing I do is listen to whatever new music I got. Or if I'm not listening to music, I'm playing music with my band, playing local shows, recording shit, etc. She's been grown out of that for about a year and a half. She's grown up, and matured so much. I know she expects me to do the same, and I don't blame her, its what she deserves. I want to move in with her once I graduate.

Why this upsets me, is because I think it's holding me back. She's extremely outspoked about her expectations of me, and how I should be running my life once I graduate. Quit my band, commute to college, get a 4 year degree, become a teacher, start a family. While it may sound extremely cliche, the band I'm in means so much to me. Ever since I got into Sum 41 in 7th grade, I decided that would be what I would do in my life. I've been in several bands over the years, But 8 months ago, my current band started and it's something that's exciting and means a lot to me. We recorded our debut EP over the summer, and have a bunch of local fans, and have attracted some local record labels. If I could tour with my band, I'd drop college in a heartbeat. And not to sound concieted, but I feel like my current band has pretty good potential. We're going on our first tour this summer, and I'm stoked. But on the downside, I feel with the oversaturation of music nowadays, that we will not get far. And that just crushes me. I don't want to settle for a medoicre life, and I feel like I'm starting that process by applying to colleges.

Not that I won't be happy later in life, but I feel that since music is literally been my only activity and that it means so much to me that I'm just so accustomed to thinking "oh this sick little subculture of kids like me will be around forever" that the thought of me putting it to the side is just heartbreaking. It's the only thing in society and life that I've cared about and loved for the past five years. And its tough to move on. As ridiculous as it sounds.

Only a few careers interest me. I don't want to go into anything medical, because I know I couldn't make it through med school, and I don't think I'd like dealing with death and sickness. Business doesn't interest me, I'm afraid of failure and financial instability. I also wouldn't have any confidence that my business would have any sucess or be able to stay afloat. Science doesn't interest me, math doesn't interest me. History interests me, I'm so interested in history. I buy a ton of history books from Barnes and Nobles, and read them for fun. This makes me want to be a history teacher. I think it'd be the only thing I'd be comfortable doing.

I'm extremely envious of my single friends going to college, who aren't kept home by dead end dreams and relationships. I have no intention of breaking up with my girlfriend, I love her so much, and I really do think we could end up getting married one day. But I can't help feeling jealous of the kids I know who get to experience living on their own, doing whatever they want with no regrets. I feel like since I have an adult girlfriend, I have no room for experimentation careerwise, because if we stayed together after college, she'd expect financial stability, and I would want to be able to provide. I'm not taking any risks. I feel like I'm going to end up missing out on an entire chapter of what should be my life, the college experience. It seems as far as my girlfriend is concerned, my life skips from graduating high school at 18, to becoming a teacher at 23. There's no room for trying to new things. I'm going to miss out on living in a dorm with random people I've never met, making a new set of friends, seeing new people in college, going to parties, living for myself. I'm skipping those 4, what seem like defining, years of my life. And i feel so fucking conflicted. On one hand, I want to stay with my girlfriend and possibly start a family in the future, get married, etc, and I'm not interested on becoming like an MD or a laywer or anything. But on the other hand, I feel like I'm missing out on a crucial experience in my life. The stage between being a kid, and becoming an adult. I feel like I'm expected to just make the transition seemlessly.

To those of you in college, or who have graduated college, how have your experiences been? and to those of you who may have gone through the same thing I'm going through, did you regret not taking risks and feel like you'd be missing out? I don't know what to feel about any of this, i dont even know why I wrote this. I want so many different things that conflict with each other. and i know I'm just going to settle.
Children of the beast embrace,
To scorn and the human race,
Consume the light that hugs the earth,
And aid the womb in giving birth,
To a group that will appear,
And guide you through this final year,
The dark armies then will come,
When the sum is 41

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Sum41Ant27
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Re: i don't know how to feel

Post by Sum41Ant27 »

Ok so I read this whole thing. I've had things happen that weren't my fault and I've been out of college going on 3 years now. When you're 18-22 you NEED to have the experience. Doing what you want, being what you want to be, and finding yourself. Now I do know people that know exactly what they wanted to do after high school and stick to it, but from what I saw many don't. The couples I knew in high school now are broken up no matter how much they said they were gonna stay together. Older women are different. I dated one, and they are kinda controlling. They consider you to be immature and know what's best for you. I'm 21 and I dated a 24 year old. Well you know something dude, only YOU know what's best for YOU!!!
If you do what your girlfriend wants, you COULD be happy, but it's a chance. Everyone have regrets no matter how stupid it can be. Some or more serious than others. Don't think you're the only one. You're young. Do what you want. You like music? Pursue it, you never know what could happen. Cause 20 years from now you might regret not trying to do something with your band. Like my mom told me, "There's plenty of fish in the sea" If your girlfriend doesn't accept and encourages you to do what you want, you don't need that. She wants someone to settle down with (from what I read), you want to find yourself and do what makes you happy.
If there's one thing you take from my post is do what makes you happy. It's your life, your choices. Don't let others choose what's good for you.
Hope I've helped :razz:
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RileSum
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Re: i don't know how to feel

Post by RileSum »

Stay hungry. Stay foolish.
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I want to fly, Can you take me far away, Give me a star to reach for, Tell me what it takes, And I’ll go so high, I’ll go so high, My feet won’t touch the ground, its my wings, That pull the strings, I bought these dreams, That all fall down
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Re: i don't know how to feel

Post by Resident Skumfuk »

Hmm. Well honestly you shouldn't make any life choices based around someone else. You may or may not get married, and you honestly never can know. You should do what you love and not be afraid of failure. If you believe your current band could make it, then try like hell and never look back. Another option may be attending more of a music and arts type college, where you could meet kids with similar music tastes and form a band, if it all falls through find a degree that keeps your life centered around music. Also, if I were you I'd definitely talk to your girl about all this and see what she thinks.
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Jables
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Re: i don't know how to feel

Post by Jables »

Do whatever you want, think about the improbability of your existence, it's staggering, and yet against all the odds you are here, don't go living for someone else or a societal norm, do whatever the fuck you want, that's what I'm doing, all my friends are going to uni, mainly because it's the the 'thing to do' and many think on mad for not going, I have no career plans and no clue o anything. Yet it makes everything all the more exciting for me.
Don't be dragged into a life you don't want cos it's the only one you'll get, don't allow yourself to think 'what if' on your deathbed, it'll be the worst feeling.
But you don't have to listen to me of course ...
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Re: i don't know how to feel

Post by Druska »

upperclasszero wrote:to those of you in college, or who have graduated college, how have your experiences been? and to those of you who may have gone through the same thing I'm going through, did you regret not taking risks and feel like you'd be missing out? I don't know what to feel about any of this, i dont even know why I wrote this. I want so many different things that conflict with each other. and i know I'm just going to settle.
Well I must admit I'm/ was pretty lucky with my roomate, she's not around much but whenever she's around in fact the only time we argue is about football,Real Madrid vs Barça it's our fav joke,first year was pretty cool, though it was scary at first, cos i didn't know my roomates and it turned out to be pretty fun
I do know some people who had a bad experience, it's a 50-50 situation really
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Janet
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Re: i don't know how to feel

Post by Janet »

I'd suggest to live for yourself or you might regret it.
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Jables
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Re: i don't know how to feel

Post by Jables »

avolition wrote:I'd suggest to live for yourself or you will regret it.
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